Monday, August 10, 2009

It's a "girl brain" kind of thing...

Next month on the 17th will mark a year since we announced that adoption had been on our hearts for several months. We announced our plans and hopes of where we would be in a year. We did this because we knew adoption fund raising ideas and the discussions of the adoption would arise and we didn't want it to come as a surprise.

This last year has brought some big changes in our lives, but not quite in the areas we had anticipated. Definitely things to get excited about and other things to be not so excited over. There have been a whole mill of emotions involving our plans to adopt.

How will we do as parents of two?
Is Aleeyah ready for a sibling?
How could we possibly afford the adoption costs?
Are we making the best choice for everyone involved-both ourselves and the child?
Is this what GOD wants for our lives?
How could we possibly afford the adoption costs?
Is this what God wants for our lives?
How could we possibly....

So many emotions. So many thoughts. So many questions.

So many doubts.

I've doubted whether or not it really is God's plan for us because it hasn't come easy even at such an early stage. I've doubted whether we should be parents of two. I've doubted how we are going to come up with the money while still trying to give in other areas, pay for Chris' schooling, and take care of other daily finances.

Doubt. Doubt. Doubt.

And boy does satan like a good dose of doubt.

When I really look at it, I believe with everything in my heart that we will make good parents of two. We have enough love to give for even more. And I really believe that Aleeyah would make a wonderful sister.

I also believe that God put it on our hearts for a reason and not that we just thought it was a cool idea. I think HE brought me to a place of compassion and desire to help in Africa. And I also think there is a reason why my uterus has not longed to birth any more children even though I always thought I'd be a mom of 3 biological children, but my heart is joyous over the thought of adoption.

A sort of peace came about our decision when two of my closest friends asked me what was holding us back--what would need to change for the next step? I didn't have to think for the answer. No reason to. I knew exactly what my answer was.

Finances. That's it.

If the finances were there, I'd be running to the adoption agency (figuratively, that is :) it's a bit far away!)

For me, the answer to that question showed me where we stand. It shows where we have come emotionally over the decision. God has granted us a year to really think about our decision so far and we haven't taken it lightly.

Chris and I chose to wait until after we were married for 5 years before having Aleeyah. Again, God granted us that time to really think about our goals and decisions. Was it always easy to wait? No. Did at times I just want to get started? Yes. BUT I still stand to this day with the emotional peace that came with knowing that we were 100% ready for her to be a part of our family.

It's been pointed out to me that maybe adoption isn't God's plan for our life since it's been an emotional roller coaster and the financial side of it hasn't come together. It's easy to believe that. It's easy to think that if God wanted this for our lives then He would make it known by handing us everything with little effort on our own part--then and only then would we truly know it was His will.

And there has been times in this journey were my understanding has wavered and I've believed that very thing.

Chris hasn't. He's cool headed like that.

But me...I have a "girl brain" (that's for you Jess!). It happens.

Then I stop to think about how God used our years of being childless to teach us and grow us and how I couldn't be more happy than to have followed His direction in bringing Aleeyah into the world. I see how He has already began making these changes again in our lives before we become parents of two. Chris is finally able to go back to school and will be graduating with his Masters within the next year and a half. Aleeyah will be headed to school next year-allowing me to start working on figuring out what I'm going to do when I grow up. BUT more importantly, He's molding our hearts and preparing them for another journey.

And when I'm still teetering on the brink of doubt, I try to think about Paul's ministry. I don't think anyone could say that Paul had it easy after he decided to follow God's direction and will. He wasn't just handed each mission packaged up with a silver bow, but one thing remained throughout-God was by his side.

When I look in the right direction, I see God at work, setting things and ideas into place for our family and plans. I see Him putting people in place, to give me support and encouragement through my bouts of doubt. I feel Him present in what may be a very long journey.

Though doubt and impatience lurks around the corner, I have faith that He is providing means now in some disguised ways and that like Paul, it won't always be easy, but He will guide, protect, and deliver us.

On a side note, but totally related, A dear friend of mind sent me THIS link a couple of days ago as some encouragement. It was some much needed inspiration and encouragement to live by faith instead of on the pathway of doubt.

Then this evening she provided THIS link. Words just cannot describe.


pippasmum said...

It feels like such a crime to me when there are children in need and loving families waiting to embrace them, that there is such a long wait and such a financial burden for the families. Your friend's idea is brilliant. I know that we would love to adopt internationally but it just isn't in the cards for us right now. It would be such a blessing to be able to help others who are ready.
I'm praying for you!!!!

Jill Foley said...

I can "echo" many of your thoughts. I have no doubt that God is listening to all your prayers and using this time to prepare you.

Because we both come from broken homes, we waited 8 years before having Sydney. And then God surprised us with Kayleigh.

And now we wait for the next step...our family might be might not.

Praying for you and with you! And waiting with you, too!!

GinSpaghetti said...

Adoption is SO in your present. Not in your future, it's now. Pickle jar or account, it's happening. Get ready for the ride lady!!! Love you!!!

GinSpaghetti said...

PS, your post made me cry.

(what else is new) ;)

Juli Jarvis said...

Wow -- this is so powerful! Thank you for sharing so deeply from your heart! I've been in a place of waiting too -- waiting for our grown children to meet their life mates, have children, etc. I've been so impatient! This goes to prove how quickly prayers can be answered, when it's HIS time (not mine). Thank you so much for these words --

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