Thursday, December 18, 2008

Writing Therapy--Part 1

I can't believe that it's been a week since my last post. It's not like me or at least I haven't done that in quite some time.

Why the absence? It's definitely not a lack of having something to say. I could have blogged about Chris' work Christmas party where I played BlackJack for the first time and won over $62,000 (in play money that is) and while Chris and I enjoyed our evening together, Aleeyah stayed the night at my dad's house where they all had a rough night. How about the mounds of snow outside? Snow pictures are always fun. I meant to write another post begging you to save the life (and yes, you CAN do that!) of a child before the 21st, but I fear that it might only turn you away.

But I didn't and it's long and complicated.....sort of. As I write this, I still wonder what will come spilling out of my fingers and then I will question my decision of to post or not to post. I have been telling myself to not be so open with you. I have been telling myself that you don't care and that I would be naive to believe otherwise.

I know this feeling all to well. Satan has used these lies on me more than I care to admit, but even more importantly, more times than not, I allow myself to believe him. In part this began when I was a kid. I was quiet and shy in school, church, anywhere that involved people outside of my small circle of friends and family. I made a point to be a wall flower. I made a point to go unnoticed. In the moments you go unnoticed, you can't be made fun of. Kids make fun of other kids every day, but I took it personal and I will admit that I'm 27 years old and have issues letting it go. Satan used/uses those memories to tell me that I lack worth.

Then when I was 15 my world was rocked. Many of you do not know "my story" but some of you do and there may be a select few that will not like to read what I'm about to write. To those-I will tell you, I've never used my blog to attack anyone and my intentions is not to do that today. My heart is not cold and my mind is not filled with anger. My heart does hold pain and I attempt to give that pain a purpose in my life in every way possible. I pray daily that God makes it clear in how I can use it for His purpose alone.

In short, my home life growing up was good.....actually great. Yeah, I hated sitting at the dinner table every night with my family knowing that my dad was going to ask me about my grades and I would either lie or tell the truth that brought on a long "talking" session about how detrimental it would be if I did not get my head on straight in school. Because my constant need to be just like my older sister only caused irritation, my sister and I fought a lot-as siblings typically do. Things were good though. My dad worked to provide for our family and my mom stayed home with me and my siblings. There wasn't a lot of yelling in the house. We didn't dare talk back to our parents. No drinking. No cussing. We spent a lot of time together as a family and we attended church on a semi regular basis.

My parents had been married for 19 years when they divorced. It was a shock, but in no way was I prepared for the events that took place following the divorce. It wasn't all the affairs that led up to the divorce or the complete lifestyle change that made it the hardest. That one is easy when you love someone unconditionally. BUT I wasn't prepared for the rejection that I faced in the years to follow. Rejection of a parent. Rejection of family. Rejection of church family. This rejection coupled with the rejection I faced in school, left me questioning everyone in my life....including God.

I've spent the next 12 years of my life, continuing to feel the emptiness of those burning questions. Where do I belong? Who really cares about me? What is my lesson in this trial? Where I once thought I would never find peace-I finally opened my heart up to a peace that could only be given by God. Most days are now filled with thankfulness of "my story". I understand my purpose and I am filled with hope.

But then there are times like these. The days when I shut out everything in my life outside of those who I can see standing in front of me to figure out what space I fill in your heart. Am I dreaming of something more than you? And I find myself asking some of those same questions I use to ask--Where do I belong? Who really cares about me? How is God using me?

I'm not asking these questions in hopes of opening my email tomorrow to see encouraging words of love from each of you. A small part of me is reaching out telling you why I've been absent from emails, comments, blog posts, telephone calls, etc. Another part of me decided that I could use some writing therapy. Finally, the bigger part part of me wonders how many of you feel this way from time to time. Do you wonder where you stand? When your comments are low on a post you spilled your heart out-do you ask yourself, do they care? When it tore you apart to leave a place filled with those you deeply care about and they don't call to find out how you are doing-do you wonder? When you realize you are the only one who ever calls-does it cross your mind? Please tell me I'm not the only one.

I made a vow years ago that I would begin telling others how I feel about them no matter how cheesy it seems. I try my best at this. Why? Because doesn't it feel good to know that you are loved and missed when your gone? Why keep your feelings to yourself? Is there someone out there that you just know in your heart that you should look in the eyes and tell them how much they mean to you? What do you fear?

Note the Part 1 in the title-there will be more to come on this subject. There is so much more goodness I want to share about these times in my life, but in the last couple weeks, I've been filled with this emptiness. An emptiness that satan burrows in my heart and the same emptiness that needs God.

But it's 2:45 am and I'm afraid my delirious sleepiness would really take it's toll on my judgment of wording and I would say something I will regret in the morning-kind of like when Brittany Spears said "I DO" and woke up hours later to get an annulment......yeah, sort of like that. In fact, I may just use sleepiness as my excuse if I find myself tomorrow questioning why I put myself out there so much!

Seriously, I know I asked a lot of questions and I might have been a bit of a downer tonight, but I would be lying if I said it was always all smiles and giggles around the Hamblin house!!!

til next time


Domestic Goddess said...

Thank you for being so honest, I LOVE that about you. And please don't think you are alone in those feelings. I struggle with feelings of not belonging or finding my niche or really being needed almost every day. I wish I could say every now and again but if I have to be honest I have to say it's pretty close to daily. It's a very hard process to stop and a heart breaking one at that. I know it is Satan but just like you said I too find myself listening to him even when I know it is him.

You are very good at sharing your heart and letting your feelings be known, we have talked about that before. No matter how cheesy it gets, it's still worth it in the end!

I am sorry you are struggling but it is great that you opened up about it. I truly believe that speaking the things that you feel only helps to stop Satan, the more awareness that you get out there the less power he has!

I can't wait for part 2 and more, thank you again for sharing your heart! You are an amazing woman!

Tracy said...

I'm right there with you Abbie. How I would love to be sitting at a coffee shop with you and a cup of Joe pouring our "whys" out on a complete stranger. I haven't posted lately either, I really think the depression may be something Satan uses during this season to draw us away from the joy of God's gift. Our childhoods sound very similar, with rejection and self-consciousness abounding. And this morning, I was ready to just delete Facebook and my blog as I get so tired of the feeling that no one cares enough to 'talk' to me while the rest of the world seems happy to be chatting about. So good morning sweet friend - I will pray for you if you pray for me. Above all, we need to remember that even when HE may seem silent, our Daddy loves us more than we can imagine. Sometimes it's just hard to make that move to crawl up in his lap and rest.

Da MiMi said...

"Finally, the bigger part part of me wonders how many of you feel this way from time to time."
Oh boy...probably a whole lot more than would be willing to admit it.
without boring any readers to death with "prison stories" again - I've learned more about myself in these last ten years than I ever knew about myself in the years preceeding my entry into prison miinistry. I'd preach about letting God take down those walls of defense that we've erected over the years - walls we put up to defend us from the cruel people in our lives - people with arms that hug us in one moment, then beat us in another.
Just coincidentally, I've been re-reading the book of Isaih in possible preparation of another go at Breaking Free. I grabbed my favorite bookmark and brought it here to share if I may:
Twelve Things to Always Remember..and One Thiings Never to Forget -
Your presence is a present to the world. You're unique and one of a kind. Your life can be what you want it to be. Take the day just one at a time. count your blessings, not your troubles. You'll make it through whatever comes along. Within you are so many answers. Understand, have courage, be strong. Realize that it's never too late. do ordinary things in any ordinary way. Have health and hope and happiness. Take the time to pray each day. And don't ever ever forget...for even a very special you are.
That's one I have to re-read to tell myself not to put myself down so much. I am a work in progress...peace and love from da mom-in-law...

Becky said...

Abbie dear, you are not alone. As you know, my blog can pretty "heavy" at times too, so I know how you feel when a post goes without a comment. I try to keep it light at times with more "entertaining" thoughts, pictures and videos....but those posts that I feel moved to write are not for the reader...I think it is God's way of providing therapy and an outlet for me. I am not a good verbal person, but I found that through my blog, I have been able to hear parts of myself. I hope you find the same. Know that I love you as do many, many others. We miss you here in OK and can't wait to see you at Christmas.

Juli Jarvis said...

Thanks for your transparency. I do care, and I've missed you! I've sort of been thinking the same thing -- does anyone notice whether I blog or not? Does anyone even read what I post? What does it matter? It's been pretty quiet lately. Although I thought dozens of people would be calling to sponsor children after I put out a plug on Facebook, it didn't happen. I DID get a call from a girl working in Argentina though -- she called to sponsor a child! And I have gotten a couple of comments here and there on my blog! Just reading your blog here today reminds me that it's worth it to keep in touch through blogs and Facebook. These friendships really are for the long run, I hope! Let's hang in there and keep posting...

MizTremblay said...

You're not alone. Remember the recent "hope lives" bit on Compassion's blog? Life is full of both mountaintops and valleys. We've all been there, to some extent. (I, too, am an introvert, a "wall-flower", wondering how God can use me to find sponsors for the 10 kids whose packets I ordered.)

And I've missed your updates. One whole tab on my iGoogle home page is of blogs I'm following; yours is one of them.

Britt said...

Ok Abbie, I posted mine...thank you so much for your strength! You are an awesome momma (and friend) inspire me so much!

Da MiMi said...

oops...make that "do ordinary things in an extraordinary way...

Guess one of those things I should "always remember" is proof before sending...gotta love it!

Steve said...

I'm 38 and still ask me stuff like that all the time. When the times come where you question, remember, they had parents too. I think you may be on your way to breaking the cycle of whatever it is that needs to be broken.

And don't judge any post by the number of comments you get or don't get. Do it for you, which in turn is for your family that benefits from the fullfillment you get out of doing what you do!

Peace, Out!

Jill Foley said... took me all day to think about your post before I could comment.

I feel your pain...I was just sitting, thinking the other night...the pain of divorce SUCKS. There is no nice way to say it. My parents were married just short of 25 years when they split up. My dad will have absolutely nothing to do with my mom. Both are remarried...I've accepted it... I feel like I've moved on. But I don't think I will ever get over it. Every childhood memory is now accompanied by a sense of loss... especially the good ones.

As for not thinking anyone hears / cares...I've definitely been feeling that way. I started my whole blog just to let the grandparents of my girls stay connected to our every day lives. Then I decided to use it speak up for the children living in poverty. I had read some of the well read bloggers who went on a Compassion trip and blogged about their experience..I thought, gee, if they can do it, I can do it. I've been involved for 15 years... they are new to this. And so I started pouring my heart out... saying things I would not normally say one on one. But then I get zero response.

Until mom's prayer partner read my blog to see a new picture of Anthony. But she also read my latest post on Compassion kids. She was so inspired, she chose and sponsored a child for her hubby for Christmas! And now, because one child was sponsored, it's all been worth it!

I really think we just have to be honest with ourselves and faithful to God. From what I can see... you are both.

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