Monday, October 6, 2008

There's No Place Like Home

(I live in Kansas now. I can use the cheesy Wizard of Oz lines!)

It's been weird to be absent for a few days from blogging. I've been keeping up with other blogs but not my own! :) I think more than anything, I have just been trying to sort some things out in my head before I could really write about them or anything else. I guess I've been feeling a little lost in thought.

Nothing happened in particular that spurred it on. I just began feeling overwhelmed by feelings of (for lack of a better word) insecurity over the weekend. There have been so many changes in our lives over the last few months. After spending my entire life so far in Oklahoma, we moved to another state for a different job for Chris. Of course, being in a new place there has been new everything. New church, new people to meet and friends to make, new home, new streets, new get the idea.

I feel incredibly thankful for God giving us a clear direction in our lives when we made the choice to move and even more thankful for the transformation in my heart and life since we have been here. There are things that have happened while I've been here that normally would have put me in the mood to mope-just shy of being crushed. But since He has been transforming me, He has used these times to strengthen me instead. He has made it more clear to me what is important in my life and I no longer am able to let the other things affect me like they once did. Not to say that the people involved aren't important to me because they are-they just refuse to see it. It's more that. More than what I want to write about here. I needed the changes He has made in my life. I had so many people tell me before we left, that this might just be the best thing for me. And I couldn't agree more. Getting out of my comfort....and sometimes uncomfortable bubble has been good. I could go on for days about that, but won't. I have a feeling that this post is going to be long enough as it is.

Where there has been great things, there has also been the insecurity I mentioned above. I feel secure in my relationship with God, my husband, my daughter, my dad and my brother. Meaning they are there. The relationships are great. I can be with any of them at drop of a hat. But outside of that-I feel lost. A friend of mine emailed me this weekend and said she misses me and feels like she is losing me. It saddened me because I couldn't be there to look her in the eyes and tell her everything will be fine. The only thing I could think to type was-"I understand". No great words of wisdom. Just, "me too."

There are many days that I feel like I am loosing "home".

I don't mean home as in this home (although, it was hard to look at those pictures again the other day). I mean home as in the family and friends you are surrounded by, the church family that supports you, the job that you loved with the kids that you still love, the neighbors to greet you, the ability to be at a friend's door when she says she misses you or when another friend that just found out they are moving to Germany is scared.

It's sort of like going on vacation. It's exciting to go. It's fun. It makes you grow in areas of your life. But doesn't it feel great to finally be home?

I broke down the other night-I felt sad, lonely, scared, anxious. My first reaction was to call someone, but it was late. So I did the only thing I knew to do-the best thing for me to do. I went outside to be with my Rock, my Refuge, my Shelter. I needed to go where I knew I would be able to feel His presence. I sat on the balcony looking up to the stars and cried. I poured out my feelings to my Friend and then I closed my eyes to listen.

I was reminded of how He led us here and that where He leads, He watches. That me and my family weren't led here to to be hurt and without growth. We believe that this is HIS plan and His plan is perfect-always is. And in that I felt comforted.

About that time, Chris came out and joined me on the balcony. I began telling him my thoughts and concerns about the move. He reassured me, through his own confessions of his feelings, it was okay to feel a bit lost away from home. As we talked more, I was reminded of the relationships that have grown through separation-some too personal to share and even how separation has played a vital role in our relationship.

Just the next day, the same friend I got the email from-told me about a scripture. Ironically, because I needed it. Ironically, because I knew it. Ironically, because it is probably one of my favorites. Well, maybe "ironically" isn't the right word.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you....Jeremiah 29:11-14

I love the reassurance we are given in this scripture. "For I know the plans I have for you...plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." We aren't to worry about the future-God already has it all laid out for us. It's already in his design He has for our lives.

"Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." The other night, I went to Him and prayed, and I know He was listening. He was there.

But the greatest security that I find comes in the beginning of verse 14, "I will be found by you..." There is a reason it doesn't say, seek me and I will find you. It says "I will be found by you".

God is always there waiting for us to come to Him. To talk to Him, to cry out to Him, to find shelter in Him, to look up into the stars at Him. He is always there, but we have to seek Him. We have to open our eyes, minds, and hearts to Him and only in Him, will we find comfort.


Ben, Kelly and Sophie said...

Oh, honey... I'm so glad you found your Lord to talk to over this one. In the future, if you need an understanding human ear (b/c only our Father is the best at understanding), please call. I can relate oh-so-well. Even though this was my "home" growing up, it has been tough. God is using our move to better our family, too, but it's still hard sometimes! Thanks for your honesty in blog world.

The Leeth family said...

Wow! I can't explain to you how much I needed that one! Thanks for the thoughts!!

Juli Jarvis said...

Thank you so much for sharing from you heart! Blessings on you!

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